True but thats because hes a fetus.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
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