My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
