He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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