remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Randomize
