The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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