It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
