there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Randomize
