im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
