I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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