Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Randomize
