I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
he shaved USA in his pubs
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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