I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
