Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
How's work?
Spinning.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
