You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
