my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
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