I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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