Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
