you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
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Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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