i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
