Who did Billy Mays play for?
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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