I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
