tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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