Only a mothe r could love this liver
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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