Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
