covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
