I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
