just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
