did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Randomize
