Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
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