12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
