Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
