so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
