Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
