I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Randomize
