Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Randomize
