Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
