I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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