Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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