God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
