her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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