True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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