I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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