So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
