btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
