I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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