did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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