It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize
