Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
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