why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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