Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
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