He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
