Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
How many fucks given?
0.12846
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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