dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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