she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
