my room smells like sperm. sweet.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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