Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
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