There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
He shit in the fireplace
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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