Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
