dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
