I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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