she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
