I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Randomize
