I think my vagina is haunted
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
